Thursday, September 24, 2009

Gambling Humor - jokes for you!


The Mind Bet

The safest best bet to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the action and watch the game and attempt to predict the winner. You don't bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last
week a buddy of mine lost his mind three times.

The Mistress

A married couple is having dinner at an expensive restaurant when a gorgeous young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, whispers that she'll see him later,and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?",

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," answers her husband, "But, don't forget, if we get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Rome, no wintering in Jamaica, no BMW or Mercedes in the drive way, and no more Augusta National Country Club, but it's your call."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a stunning brunette. "Who's that woman with Richard? " she asks.
"That's his mistress," answers her husband.

"Ours is cuter," replies the wife.

Who, Me Gambling?

A priest, minister, and rabbi are playing poker when the police raid the game. Turning to the priest, the senior officer asks:

"Father Shaunessy, were you gambling?"

The priest turns his eyes to heaven, murmuring "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No officer, it was just a social game."

The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Fredrick, were you gambling?"

Again, after a message to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldschmitt, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "So with whom would I be gambling?"

Compulsive Gambler

Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said "Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?" So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot’s reply was "Oh, I have money put away for that."

Listening to the Voice From Above

A man is walking along a deserted beach when suddenly he hears a deep voice from Above.

"DIG!" it says.

He looks around, but there's nobody there. I must be imagining this, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again:


So he starts digging with his bare hands, pushing away the sand. A short way down he uncovers a small chest with a rusty lock.

"OPEN IT," commands the deep voice.

OK, the man thinks, Ill open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally opened, he sees a gleaming pile of gold coins.

"TAKE THEM TO THE CASINO," the deep voice says.

Well, says the man to himself, the casino is just ten minutes walk away, why not? He changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. Now he hears the deep voice saying:

"27, PUT IT ALL ON 27."

He takes his heavy pile of tokens and drops it at the 27. The table groans under the weight. You can hear a pin drop as the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: "SHIT!"

Blondes are not dumb

2 bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a beautiful blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''

Ten Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling

1. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
2. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
3. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."
4. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
5. When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10.
6. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
7. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
8. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E.
9. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
10. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace.

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Blackjack Joke

A woman playing blackjack got two tens, asked a man next to her: "do you know when is the right time to split tens?" The man smiled and answered when the table is full and your buddies need a seat.

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Roulette Joke

A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.

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